Stones of Understanding...

i spin around my stones of understanding every single time...
words words and nothing but words in this reality...
make or break my faith in the rest...
of which i am an integral part...
am i supposed to just undo my understanding every single time..
whenever it surfaces and...resurfaces..and yet again..surfaces??
it takes a huge toll on my existence for all it is worth..
this reality makes it more difficult to deal with..
a fragile being caught in the rapture of the so-called life..
instantly..i create an alternate dimension to move to..
to sustain...to cope...and rebuild the faith..and continue..
in this vague yet intimidating reality...
how am i to keep the stones within..
when getting rid of them makes more sense..day by day! --some earthling

Ambiguity

It's sort of a quiet turbulence right now. Of course, a lot of contemplation towards where we're going. Personally I've always loved the uncertainty - to put it better, uncertainty has always loved us. But this, this phase, has been remarkably sordid but as they say, character-building. It always feels good when we philosophize about an event or concept BEFORE or AFTER it happens - but WHEN it happens, DURING the event - it's something of a vortex. Pulling you in deeper and deeper with no understanding of what, how, why and when. After that, an ambiguity sets in, like you are murky waters, submerged-floating, in a slow current, drowning but not quite yet...trying to find that glimmer of light that lets you know where the surface is - to get a breath of air, a big gasp and after that - a semblance of sense, sanity in this wide world.

Nothingness of the Other kind

What do you write when you got nothing to say or write? How do you put that 'nothingness' onto the paper or onto this....screen, when you know that it's not the 'nothingness' you got in there, but something...and that something just wouldn't come out. On the one hand, that something is either too small to manifest itself because it seems so insignificant or (on the other hand) too huge that you cannot possibly contain it in words. The most usual thing/s that you would do typically consists of the following. 

You wait a little. You take long pauses. You stare at something so long that it blurs out in your vision. Then you fix your gaze at something else. Blur out again. Then you make a feeble attempt at voicing out something which turns out to be crap. Then you erase it. You start all over again.

I guess this is that stage of nothingness of the 2nd kind - the nothingness that's loaded with that huge something which couldn't possibly be contained...ergo...can't be written about. So, as I contemplate on this and life's other meaningless shit, we, the collective, are working towards giving closure to the project that needs one. Can't really tell if this closure would be a definitive one...yet!

A purpose beyond realms...

RAJESH KHANNA...A soul amidst this chaos called reality..was brought into this realm..with a purpose..to bring to life many creative minds' ideas and visions to manifestation......and the movies..the thoughts that their works provoked, the emotions that were shared..the songs that he portrayed..the culmination of a lot many creative minds into many works..the characters so real..that each one who connected with the films had a bonding with..the face that brought all their ideas to the world..and made the manifestations so real in this otherwise mundane world...RAJESH KHANNA..a purpose fulfilled..and complete! The above song..is from the movie Anand..one of such works..which has touched million hearts..and is an all time inspiration! I feel connected! Many moments of my life owe their gratitude to his purpose!!Thank you universe for the experience.

Dazed & Confounded

So what's new other than being sucked up into another vortex of life? I warn you, before you go on - this is a bit of a philosophical/existentialist rant(like many of my other ramblings). There's enough things in this world to really throw you off balance just when you think you're figuring it all out. I sometimes really can't fathom whether to laugh at the absurdities of life or marvel at the irony of existence. On the one hand, I love this thing called 'life' because it offers you a perspective of the world that no one else can see. On the other, I hate the concept of it, because it's packed with affirmatives and negatives that are often juxtaposed together and gives you the feeling that life just doesn't fuckin' make sense. I mean, why? Why, for gosh sakes, are we really here? I mean, who cares? Say something happens to me or you, like right now. Other than the people to whom we really matter to, our existence is totally vacuous. Ok then you might say since there may be a few people who do care about your absence, it should make some sense. But then, they are gonna keep living on, maybe with you in their memory. So I feel like, why the hell should I be attached to things and people in this reality? But then, however objectively I look at life, the subjectivity of it all just screws up the knowledge and wisdom you've gathered. How much ever I feel like detachment is the way to go, there's something so strong that pulls you in the way of attachment. But then again, attachments don't matter eventually. So there, see I've put myself in this thinking-time loop. I think I get it and the next second, I don't get one bit of it. These days my cynicism seems to get the better of me. But something just keeps gnawing at your insides that I should be doing this or that. I feel good when I save a dog. Why? I jus' don't know. So despite all the negativity and chaos, I feel there's some purpose but can't put a finger to it. And that angers me, because there seems to be no focus. And you have to fight the good fight to live the life you want to. So I guess the only thing that gets me off is purging out these thoughts that get churned out by my thinking-time loop. And until I strike a balance and get off the chronos, you gotta put up with this existentialist crap. Have fun!

Sibling thingy..!!

Siblings are such a luxury..in this reality.. to fight with, to fight for.. to complain about, to complain to.. to share, to snatch.. to cuddle, to kick.. to cry, to laugh.. to judge, to appreciate, to find comfort in.. to seek advice, to play, to yell, to like..and most of all.. to LOVE!..and much more.. to all the siblings..to the universe for creating them.

Dialectik..tik..

What really is Real?

Shucks, this has gotta be out there. I often wonder what is it that makes or describes reality or the concept of what is real. And then...just came across this quote from Margery Williams' 'The Velveteen Rabbit' and damn it, it can't get more profound than this. Seriously, think about this as you read it.

"Real isn't how you are made," says the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you… It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Whew! Can feel it...or should I say 'really' feel it. And something about the storyline of the V. rabbit catches you by the throat. Anyways, now that I've opened the can called 'Real', here's an all-time favorite by Da Man Morpheus in The Matrix - who defines real to Neo:

"What is real, Neo? How do you define real? If you're talking about your senses, what you feel, taste, smell, or see, then all you're talking about are electrical signals interpreted by your brain."

 Classic...Maximum Awesome! Someday I'll come up with my re-loaded, redefined version of Real and then you'll all probably quote it and have gooseflesh all around ;-) Thank you very much! (And the pic above is one from our photographic light art collection.)

Passing on...

When a person who loves you..and whom you love dearly, passes on..
leaves this reality, leaving behind everything tangible..
& a vacuum that hurts unbearably..
you are left behind to wonder what they have left behind actually..
they actually leave parts of them in each of those lives they have touched in this reality..
memories..moments..growth..happiness..and most of all, Love..and much more.
No matter how much we can philosophize the mysteries of the Universe and the ways of this life, and the death that follows, trying to see the big picture..
the loss is very much a part of this reality..and the grief is real..we might never be able to come to terms with their absence..but they become integral parts of our existence..
and stay within us.
In memory of our loving, funny, caring, thoughtful..and much more..
"mama"(Uncle in Tamil)..

To each his uniqueness...

Each one here has a story...
though we have a lot in common...
we seek, in this dimension, a purpose to live for...
and strive for a unified purpose simultaneously..
just the realization needs to be accomplished!

The Air I breathe...

Beings converging in a cauldron built centuries ago..
a thirst insatiable in them spreading in all directions..
their existential emptiness screams for visibility in this dimension..
their essence creating chaos in the spirits' realm..
their form devoid of function aiming for content..
their torpid exteriors holding an underlying fluid core..
which resonate with the supernatural sphere that is suffering
immensely by the pain but not dying from it..

An inner call draws them together towards the cauldron and into this sphere..
their form spreading an infinite pulse of chaos into the air...
and i happen upon it here!

Beings in search of a purpose other than theirs to unite for a cause..
but not ready to take the spiritual plunge of trusting the universe's intelligence..
filling the air i breathe with a sense of insecurity coming from unknown depths..
i contribute to the collective breaths whilst not knowing what to do..
i hope that..
under unpredictable circumstances the beings may alleviate the suffering and
a balance is stuck where..
the Contradiction between
Essence & Existence,
Form & Constitution,
Spirit & Corporeal,
Finite & Infinite..continues..!

Creative Mythology - Joseph Campbell

The best things cannot be told,
the second best are misunderstood.
After that comes civilized conversation;
after that, mass indoctrination;
after that, intercultural exchange.
And so, proceeding, we come to the problem of communication; the opening , that is to say, of one's own truth and depth to the depth and truth of another in such a way as to establish an authentic community of existence.
- The word behind words, Symbolic Speech.

rastaa...

The corporeal self is very aware of its limits...
the spirit within knows none..
which is why it sometimes pushes the former
into unknown realms where it can realize more
of its strength..
the spirit prepares the finite self to extend its boundaries..
so someday it can come face to face with the infinite...
such instances are rare and initially faced with
tight resistances..by the corporeal..
but once endured, boasts of an experience profound..
in this realm..and uses that energy to enhance the journey further!

Not a dog’s day

(Ok, this post is atleast 2 weeks old, just found the time.) Perhaps the highlight of today is sitting at a coffee shop in the second floor of a shopping mall, in ‘mid-town’ Chennai and sipping on a cappuccino and looking out the glass window at the rain-mud-and-filth soaked traffic below. I neither feel pity nor wear a smug smile as I witness the rat-race because it really hasn’t been long since I was in the sludge, wading through murky waters which are obviously a result of our freakin awesome drainage system. Don’t get me wrong when I say that I’m in the shopping mall and contemplating life in such elite quarters. Mind you, I’m not a fucking elite, though I can be and sometimes act like one(and that’s a whole different argument altogether) just to empathize with things on both sides of the spectrum. I just freaking hate mindless consumerism but I will hate it from inside a glitzy shopping mall. I’m a minimalist, a bloody local with thoughts verging on the extreme. On the rare instances I will pay Rs.90 for a coffee with which I can sit comfortably in a lounge-like ambience for more than a couple of hours trying to make sense of Dito Montiel’s interview in Filmmaker mag or Arundhati Roy’s incendiary  ‘Shape of the Beast’(ok I ain't going for pretense there). As I wait for the guys to get back, I thought, ok fine, with all the commotion outside and inside my head, lemme vent out stuff.

Why is today not a dog’s day? Well, then don’t ask me if every other day is a dog day. Not for me, it’s not. Today, as with any other day I travel/commute, I witnessed about a 150 dogs, bitches, bitches with babies inside them and pups scattered all around in the rain doing what they would normally do. Experience a ‘dog’s life’. Having the life of an ‘underdog’. Spending a Dog day afternoon. Groundhog day. See? More references. No wonder we termed it so. (ok so groundhog doesn’t have anything to do with a dog but still they sound the same)And today was more than normal for them, especially with the cold and almost omnipresent uncertainty that the rains bring with them. And earlier in the day, before we came to Chennai, we had to transport 5 wet, shivering pups (who’d been taken away from their mother) from the soggy paddy fields to our humble abode in the village. Back to the 150 canines, their faces were so full of implication, that I could write a page each about what they were thinking. I mean, if they actually do. Or do they just live in the moment? Taking each day as it came? Surprisingly, many of our human kind seemed to have the same expression, or were they worse? Can’t tell. Really. But these days, my guess is we humans are becoming pathetic in more ways than one. So, pretty soon, to say, ‘it’s a dog’s day’ will become NOT a bad thing after all. Because, as people, especially as Indians, we suffer more than we can endure. No I take that back. We suffer uhh…more than what we think we can endure(coz we can endure shit-just-about-anything), but as we get accustomed to that, we reach the next phase of suffering and we endure that too and the chain continues. So henceforth, thou shall pat each other in the backs, in congratulatory delight, because we love to revel in our hopelessly romantic status as sufferers. (pic from google)

Rusticating away...from the past!

This is a post written almost 2 months back. So let's keep the chronology in mind....After all the madness of Production work(which is now comfortably in the near past) in the cities, Post-production now seems to be quite a breeze in ‘the little village we know so well…’, (yes, Asterix reference), ok lemme rephrase, in a little village called Kavanoor, near Arakonam Taluk. For the geographically challenged, it is about 170kms from Pondicherry or about 100kms NW of Chennai. When I say ‘breeze’ it is only in comparison to the city schedule, and I am, in no way, being a reductionist when talking about Post-production being a breeze. Get that! But again, before getting into the details of work, there are some things about village life that begs to be told. Not that 10 days of it are enough or qualifies one to write a thesis on this kind of living, just that in this age when we seem so frantically searching for something in our fast-paced urban life that will take us to the next level or whatever, it feels kinda like taking the back-seat and looking at things retrospectively.
Ok ok timeout…for now there’s a thunderstorm that’s adamant on demanding my attention. Am back. It seems months had passed since the rains smooched the earth and today, it's a hard-core French kiss. The strong wind is shaking the living daylights out of the big teak tree that’s in our backyard (as if it wasn’t already breezy enough here to sway the tree thereby emitting the only sound we can hear around us). Ok now continuing after a 4-day hiatus.
And about the subjective reality here. Yes, I’m gonna make a couple of revelations that may shock the shit of you city-slickers out there. One, that power outage happens every morning between 9 and 12. Not to mention the periodic (5 to 10 minute) breaks in power any time and also during the rains. Two, the lack of…uhh…the internet! Yes, don’t panic for us because we have gotten used to this way of life, at least for now.
But the biggest difference or change that you can feel, is the enormous availability or rather the protracted-ness of the indefinable and strangely(but ironically) unquantifiable TIME. There seems to be too much of it. Obviously you can’t help but romanticize the surroundings especially when you haven’t really experienced this way of living before. But then again, this extension of space-time(I use it both literally and figuratively and also because I don’t wanna segregate the two) really helps to do the one thing that’s most imperative right now – EDITING which is a process in itself. I’m gonna save it for the next post. Signing off around mid-June. The above is a shot of the backyard just after the rains.

Of the mind...

Just when you think you know it all, you get a reality check, a real fucking hard slap in your face. A lesson in humility, modesty…about the greatest ever lesson ever taught or will be taught – life. Yes, you can swear or scoff all you want, but it sometimes feels like an existential crisis out here, I mean, in the mind. Maybe ignorance is really bliss. Why do we have to try to learn so much and suddenly have to realize one day(that oft repeats itself) that you gotta unlearn it all and then relearn it all. Arrrrrggggghhh, the irony of it all!!!